Patient: Doctor, doctor I feel like a cucumber.
Doctor: Help yourself there's some in the fridge!
Customer: I'll have a hamburger please.
Waiter: With pleasure.
Customer: No with cucumbers!
When does a cucumber go as fast as a train?
When it's on one!
A policeman saw a little girl walking along dragging a cucumber on a piece of string saying walkies "Nice dog you got there kid" said the kindly policeman stooping to pat the cucumber. The little girl gave him the purest scorn.
"That isnt" a dog its a cucumber!"
"Sorry said the embarrassed policeman and walked on.
As soon as the policeman had gone the little girl lent over and stroked the cucumber
"That fooled him didnt it Fido"
Whats green and very noisy?
A cucumber with a drum kit!
Customer: Waiter this cucumber soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Why arent you laughing then?
Cucumbers are great at camouflage
Have you ever seen a cucumber in your coffee... No, see what I mean!
Why did the cucumber paint her head yellow?
She wanted to see whether blondes really do have more fun!
Whats green and ticks?
A clockwork cucumber!
Customer: Hey youve got your thumb in my soup!
Waiter: Dont worry its not hot!
Knock, knock.
Whos there?
Cole.
Cole who?
Cole as a cucumber!
Doctor, doctor, Ive got carrots growing out of my ears.
How did that happen?
I dont know, I planted cucumbers!
Whats red and green?
A tomato working as a part-time cucumber!
Why did the cucumber go out with the prune?
Because he couldnt find a date!
Why did the cucumber lie down?
Because cucumbers cant lie up!
How many giraffes can you fit in a mini?
Four, two in the front two in the back!
How many cucumbers can you fit in a mini?
None, the giraffes are in it!
Two boys were fighting in the playground. The teacher separated them and told them off.
You must learn to give and take,she said
But we did miss said one boy. He took my cucumber, so I gave him a punch
A man was eating a cucumber in the street when a woman walked past with a small dog. The dog started yapping at the mans food.
Can I throw him a bit? asked the man.
Of course, said the lady.
So the man picked up the dog and threw him over a wall!
Showers: Men Vs. Women
How To Shower Like A Woman...
* Take off clothing and place it in sectional laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
* Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
* Get in shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
* Wash you hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
* Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
* Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on for 15 minutes.
* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and raw.
* Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
* Rinse conditioner off of hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
* Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
* Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
* Turn off shower.
* Squeegee off all wet surfaces inn the shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
* Get out of the shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.
* Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.
* Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
* Return to bedroom wearing bathrobe and towel on head.
* If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to the bedroom to spend an hour-and-a-half getting dressed.
How To Shower Like A Man...
* Take off clothes while sitting in the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
* Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the ''woo, woo'' sound.
* Get in shower. Don't bother looking for a washcloth. You don't use one.
* Wash your face.
* Wash your armpits.
* Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
* Wash your privates and surronding area.
* Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
* Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner.
* Make a shampoo Mohawk.
* Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
* Pee (in the shower).
* Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor bacause you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.
* Partially dry off.
* Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Leave shower curtain open and wet mat on the floor.
* Leave bathroom light and fan on.
* Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.
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